0 Miles…MUST REFUEL!

All the hard working badasses out there, yup that’s you! Well hopefully that’s you reading. If you are just reading this from your parents couch and accidentally stumbled upon this blog in search of a dating app for singles work hard like a badass on that bag of chips and keep reading, you might learn something.

Anyways, as I was saying, hard working badasses. We know how it is to be totally immersed in our journey, in the day to day work flow and everyday task of life and #adulting, but sometimes we forget to refuel, the red light comes on in your car and you are totally fucked. I feel like we have all been there literally and metaphorically. (My AAA card was canceled because it happened literally too many times). It’s been 4 1/2 – 5 years, just about, since my tank went on empty without much of a warning. The difference between life and my car is that life doesn’t give me much of a warning.

Here I was on a Sunday, doing the typical routine. Waking up early to take my daughter to dance class, a little tired from the night before being at a good friends birthday festivities, but nothing I haven’t done or the typical amount of exhaustion that I have felt in the past couple of years. In fact there are times where I have definitely been more exhausted physically and emotionally the past couple of years than I did on this day. This day decided to slam its fucking hammer down on me. Thanks A LOT! All of a sudden I am feeling like I am going to faint, my brain feels fuzzy, I can’t breath and I am not sure whether I am getting a panic attack (which I know very well from years back), or if I am having a heart attack. This shit can’t fucking happen to me! I am a single mom, alone with my child, she sure as hell isn’t going to understand what’s going on, (although she is an extremely empathetic and sweet little toddler), more or less seeing Mommy about to faint is going to freak her out. So I am thinking to myself in the first hour of my body lifting its middle finger at me, this will go away, I am tired, I take really good care of myself, I mean really what could be wrong. That hour goes by and the way I am feeling only gets worse, nothing is working. Water isn’t working, a CBD (ya the good real CBD, no THC at all, the Cali stuff), isn’t working, breathing into a bag isn’t working. I am literally having a conversation with myself to pull it the fuck together. “Mollie, you have your shit together, you are ‘boss’, keep it together, you aren’t going to die.”

I hate asking for help, it’s always been a problem of mine because I am the one always helping everyone else. It makes me feel weak to ask for help, but you know what, that’s the wrong attitude to have and believe me I know it, so no one needs to tell me. It’s one of my flaws I am always working on. YES, I have flaws! So anyways, I cave and I ask for help. I text a friend to come over because I feel like I am dying and in my mind I am like, someone needs to be here with Mischka when I fall over and stop breathing. SOOO DRAMATIC, I know, but listen, I bet there are a lot of you that totally understand what I am saying right now and have been through it as well.

So to make a long story a tad bit shorter because I know some of you are taking your coffee break to read this and your staff meeting is about to start…

I realize my friend doesn’t really know what I am going through, nor do I actually, so I call a neighbor who has a little more experience in what could be going on. She takes my kid over to her house with her husband and kids, we go to urgent care (not the emergency room), I see the most zen doctor I have ever met who basically concludes after talking to me after 20 minutes, that my body is shutting down from exhaustion, internal stress that MANY of us suppress and I am more or less having a panic attack. Nope, I am not dying any time soon, my body is just telling me that I need to do some self care and chill the fuck out. Wish my damn body would have been a bit more subtle, but if it had I probably wouldn’t have listened, #truth.

These days I am someone that has it together most of the time. I am taking on an entire household by myself, a child and more than one job…3 of them! So I guess you could say this was bound to happen because I don’t take the time to relax anymore. It’s one thing to the next. I am a happy person, but one thing I learned from this unfortunate situation, is that I need to take a little bit more time to give myself care. I need to stop being such a stubborn Taurus and ask for help. I am working on it ok! Man, it’s not easy being alone, I like to act tough most of the time and I am, but I am human and not ashamed to admit that it’s not always a walk in the park. I truly commend those of you Women and Men taking it all on and embracing the fucking chaos as best you can! Thankfully my Mom is in town and I took a day this past weekend to do me. I got a massage, a facial, did a little shopping, got some sushi. It was really nice to have a day where I didn’t have to worry about what time I needed to be home, or how much I would have to pay the sitter, or what I needed to cook for dinner, etc. etc. etc.

Moral of the story; go refuel the engine when you have a 1/4 of a tank left and don’t be a stubborn asshole and wait till it gets to zero! (I wasn’t calling you an asshole I was referring to myself).

Single AF