Oh hey it’s been while. I am not just going to get on here and write about boring shit. Who do you all think I am? Life has been pretty insane lately. Some good, some bad, but the main reason for this post is something that I have spoken about quite a bit. Rape, sexual abuse and how it has affected me. I want to clear something up as well. Don’t worry we won’t be here long, so here is the disclaimer… this post is going to be pretty uncomfortable, which is why I don’t need to make it any longer than it needs to be. Don’t go running just because I said it would be uncomfortable. I promise you, what you will read today about what I had to go through this past week was beyond uncomfortable for me to go through and write about.
If you are new to this blog or my social media, you might be having a WTF moment. Long story short, I was in a very abuse relationship for a very long time. I was physically abused, sexually abused, emotionally abused and raped. Yes, raped. More than once. I have been tirelessly fighting to get this scum of the earth in jail and find peace in my life. It hasn’t been easy and this roller coaster is not over. Metaphorically we are at the top of the first big hill riding down and approaching the next, even bigger hill.
The rapist, Hector, has been caught and put in jail awaiting trial. What does this mean? Well, I got a phone call that he had been caught. Just a couple days later I had to go in front of a grand jury. I had to explain in great detail what happened to me. Yes, great detail. I know you are wondering. I had to tell these people that I don’t know at all, how a penis entered parts of my body without consent. Having to name all these different parts over and over again so that every piece of what happened was made crystal clear. One of the most uncomfortable moments of my entire life. So, this grand jury of about 22 people decides whether or not they believe that what happened to me really happened and then the case goes to trial. Can you believe that? 22 people whom I have never met in my life, decide whether or not this gets thrown out or whether or not we keep it moving. Yes, these cases get thrown out quite often because most sexual abuse and rape cases happen behind closed doors without a blink of evidence or witness. Can you fucking imagine having something so traumatic happening to you and having a group of people who you’ve never met say, “Ya, we don’t think this really happened… NEXT!” This is why a vast majority of people who have had the same experience of rape and sexual abuse that I have, never speak a word of it in fear of being told that there isn’t enough to move forward. It happens all the time. This is what I was told in the beginning when I started to come out about what had happened to me. I got totally shut down when I first started the process and I let it go for a while because I felt utterly hopeless. But hopeless doesn’t last long for me, so I kept fighting and not just for myself, but for everyone who has felt hopeless and for every sexual abuse and rape survivor that deserves justice. My case was not dismissed and more people like me need to be heard!
I haven’t given up and that is what has lead me to getting where I am in this very long process. I hope it gives hope to those who are feeling the hopelessness I have felt many times before. I don’t feel this way anymore. Before I end here I want to say something to the friends, family and spectators of survivors. Don’t treat us like we have some disease. I say this because I constantly see people I thought were there for me start to act in a funny way, or in an uncomfortable way, as tho they don’t know how to act around you or they don’t want to be around your “situation” so to speak. I get it, it’s a lot for some people and I wouldn’t wish what I have been through on anyone, but if you like me because of all my pretty awesome qualities, then you can still like me knowing about my awesome hot mess that truly only affects me. So a word of advice to those with a family member or friend that has been through what I have. When you act a funny way towards us, distance yourself from us, treat us like we have some disease you might catch; you are making our situation about yourself and that kind of makes you a POS. Hope I gave that message clearly. Yup, I have been raped, but I am still that extremely sarcastic, fun, single AF mama that will never say no to a good tequila shot or stick up for you no matter who is watching and what the stakes are.
I can only hope that everything I am going through right now with this case is a breakthrough for more sexual abuse and rape cases and that more and more people will fight harder for what happened to them no matter how uncomfortable it gets, no matter how many times they are told it won’t go anywhere. It will and it can.
Thank you for reading and listening. The roller coaster for justice continues, so stay tuned!